I was sat in my car earlier, knitting, waiting for Flynn to come out of school, it was pouring with rain (again), Taylor Swift was playing quietly. I was thinking about the weekend and how Lily and I were going to spend our boy free time. Then it dawned on me not only were the weekends coming around super fast but today was the last day of month one,The month of new beginnings.
And now let us welcome the New Year
full of things that that have never been.
Rainer Maria Rilke
That's 31 days or 744 hours of my life over.
Did I make the most of them.?
Did I live in the moments, and not in the past or in the future?
I'm not sure that I did.
I do believe that life around here, especial my life is lived very haphazardly. It's not that I'm really busy, I'm probably one of the luckiest ladies in the world when it comes to free time. I don't work, I don't have a husband, and I live in a new house that doesn't really get that dirty. However I can not help but think that the house is a reflection of how my days are passing it's pretty chaotic around here, it's rather untidy and nothing seems to be very organised. I was always such a tidy person almost to the point of having OCD before my life was turned upside down. Now one day just seems to merge into the next. Hours, days, weeks just seem to happen.
Then this happens, I have one small moment when I remember to stop, I mean really stop and take a deep breath and it's then I realize another 31 new beginnings have passed and I can barely remember any of what has happened in these passed days.
So I need to change, I want to change.
I want to start living consciously, being awake with intention.
Being mindful every day.
I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, so if anyone is reading this and has any suggestions I'd love to hear them.
Anyway I'm going to do this and it starts tomorrow.
~ Two of my favourite things are knitting and reading, and the evidence of this often shows up in my photographs. I love seeing what other people are knitting and reading as well. So, what are you knitting or crocheting right now? What are you reading? Take a photo and share it either on your blog or on Flickr. Leave a link below to share your photo with the rest of us! ~ Ginny
This is my first week to join Ginny and lots of others for the Wednesday Yarn along
The aim is to share what you are knitting and what you are reading.
On my needles is the start of a dress for a knitting toy I've made and I am reading Simple Abundance.
There's an entry for each day of the year but I love to just dip in and out of it, it's always on the bedside table or on the table downstairs with my knitting.
Today I'm grateful for,
For the beautiful sunny afternoon,
Enjoying a cup of tea sat outside,
All the green shoots coming up in the garden,
Spending the day with Tallon and Lily (inset day),
Enjoying a peaceful evening of blogging and knitting.
Blogger it has been a week since my last confession post.
It hasn't been the greatest week lots of emotional downs. I believe that the lows felt worse than they have done before because it felt like such a fall after having such a good week the week before.
This is partly down to the break up of my marriage and partly down to living with Bi-Polar
of which I was diagnosed as having two years ago.
When living with Bi-Polar your behaviour can be so irrational that building good relationships with colleagues, friends, and families can be hard. However rebuilding them is so much harder, you can do so much damage to these relationships during your highs and lows. Real friends are always there for you but unfortunately it is just to much for others, they just find it to hard to live through it with you. It's not surprising really considering some of the behaviour that can accompany this disease.
You can feel very lonely and very out of control at times. I tend to hurt and push the people I love the most away rather than ask them for help. This weekend was one of those times. So much damage can be done in a very short time.
However, I have been to see the Mental Health team at the local hospital today and I'm going to have a review of my meds and hopefully get into talking therapies as soon as possible.
Right that's enough of that
Here's a selection of photo's from one of my favourite places. I love to walk around these gardens whatever the weather.
Today I'm grateful for,
The chance to wake up and enjoy another day, For the love of my children, For good friends For new friends Joanne x
We had a lot of late nights over Christmas and hadn't quite got back into the routine of school bed times but I decided it would be a good idea to have an extra early night. So all three little monkeys went to bed very early, they did a little reading before in tucked them in and said goodnight.
This gave me the opportunity to watch a film before I tuck myself into bed nice and early.
And what a beautiful love story The Notebook is I watched it in such a long time,
but it's up there in my top ten movies.
I have been so happy this week, I've been out knitting every morning so far and of course when I've got home I've sat down with a cup of tea and said to myself I'll just finish this then I'll go tidy up, well it never works out that way, I just can't put the knitting needles down. So tomorrow after dropping the monkeys at school I'll come home clean and tidy first and when that's done I can pick up my knitting needles again.
Today I'm grateful for,
My new knitting needles,
My new crochet book, (hopefully I'll be able to make the dolls once I've done my course)
I know I'm a bit late in showing these but this is going to be a new tradition.
We all decided it would be lovely to take a trip down to the beach on New Years day
to blow all the old years cobwebs out.
We didn't make it New Years day as it was such an awful day but I'm guessing waiting for the better weather was okay we made it the next day (2nd)
Today I'm grateful for, A wonderful frosty morning, For the good nights sleep, A pleasant drive into town, Remembering ever thing on my shopping list, (even though I forgot the list) The lovely custard tart I had with my afternoon cuppa, The lovely bedtime cuddle from the youngest,
This year I will turn my can't's into can's and my dreams into plans.
How will I do this?
Well after the emotional end to 2013 I decided to invest in a couple of self -help books I know that this wouldn't be every body's cup of tea but I thought it was a good starting point. They have helped me, they've given me a little knowledge into why I might be feeling the way I am, how I can build up my very low self esteem. They've made me take a good look at the person I am and the person I would like to be. It's been a while since I've taken such a long, deep look into myself. It hasn't been easy either because I haven't always liked what I've found out or seen in myself, there was also some good stuff too. So over the last couple of weeks I've thought about what I would like to achieve for myself this year and I've set myself some stepping stones, small steps in different area's of my life. I don't want to say goals because that suggest that once I've achieved them that's it, job done and it's not about the destination for me it's about the journey.
Financial Stepping Stone
Save £2000.00 by December 31st 2014
How can I achieve my financial stepping stone?
Keep detailed household accounts
Set a direct debit up to put money into savings account
Watch my non essential spending
Work Stepping Stone
Turn my hobby into a successful small business by December 31st 2014
How will I consider it a success?
Sell £500,00 worth stock
What do I need to do to reach my target
Learn new knitting techniques
Learn how to crochet
Have a stall at local craft fairs.
How to achieve these goals
Join a knitting group
Learn to knit in the round
Learn to knit Fair Isle
Up date Daisy Dreams facebook page
Find out about local craft fairs.
Health Stepping Stones by December 31st 2014
Get down to a size 14
How will I achieve my health stepping stone
Exercise 3 times a week
Go for a walk twice a week
Social Stepping Stone
Meet some new people.
How will I achieve my social steeping stones
Join a knitting group
Go to lunch with Lou and Hazel and make an effort to see more of them
Join a Bi-polar support group
All things fun Stepping Stone.
Spend more time with the children doing fun things like bowling, walking, visiting National Trust properties.
Take more Photo's
Visit lots and lots of tea rooms.
Take the children on holiday.
So there you go my stepping stones, I've already achieved something today, I joined a local knitting group this was a really big step for me, firstly I hadn't picked up any knitting for nearly four months, I don't find it easy meeting people and I really like the comfort of my own home, so I'm very proud of myself today. It's held in a lovely wool shop in a near by town, it reminded me of what I imagined the shop to be like in the book The Friday Night Knitting Club. Everyone was really lovely and friendly. The shop hasn't been opened long but it's fantastic, the ladies are wonderful, friendly, chatty, helpful and they don't mind if you pop in just for a chat. I don't go into town very often so I didn't even know it was there until the other day when I was on line looking for knitting/Crochet courses, and I found it then, I didn't sign up for one of their knitting courses, I signed up for a learn how to crochet course. So by the end of the month I will be able to tick that off my list too. Oh plus they hold knitting group on a Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, that's three mornings a week I could be out meeting and socialising with new people and as knitting is my job it will be classed as working hours.
Today I'm grateful for,
Getting my knitting groove back,
Finding a lovely wool shop (although that might not be so good for my saving stepping stone)
Meeting new people
Having a cuppa and chatter with Louise (very good friend who I don't see enough of)
Watching Toy Story of Terror with the children
Having a lovely cup of tea made by Lily (daughter)
12/365 Today I'm grateful for, My lovely long lay in bed this morning, My first cup of tea, Croissants for breakfast, The peace and quiet (kids at their dad's) The rain My strength to have a positive good day, My monkeys coming home, Today was a good day. Joanne x
It was meant to be forever and then one day out of the blue he suddenly pulls the rug out from under my feet. He no longer wanted me or our life together. He had found someone else that made him happier, he was moving on and life as I knew it was over. Depression hovered over me like a heavy cloud, my self worth shattered into tiny pieces, and life, it become my enemy. The circumstances left me reeling. The betrayal, the angry, the grief was dragging me under. I was walking around unconscious during the days, I would just about do enough to get the children to school and feed them, all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed but then bed time would come and I wouldn't be able to sleep. I've cried my heart out, cried some more, I've screamed. I was a complete mess, I just couldn't see a way out of this deep dark hole I had fallen in to, it was awful, I was awful, then I did the most unimaginable thing, that day and the next few days are a blur to me. Since then I not only got through Christmas, the children and I had a wonderful Christmas, we made some new tradition and kept some old ones.
I was really looking forward to seeing out the old year and celebrating the arrival of the new one.
The monkeys stayed up with me to see the New Year in, we celebrated with a mocktail.
My Monkeys (little guy was hot he'd been dancing around)
As hard as it is I know it's over and I'm working on accepting it, I'm through the worse part now, the break up, the separation, the turmoil, of course it's still hard but I'm having more good day.